Just Let Go......

A few months ago, I met a man that really put the spark back into my life. He was charming and funny in his own way. What I appreciated about him most was that he didn't try to change me.....he was all right with the woman that I am. He dug my natural hair and couldn't keep his hands out of it. He was affectionate and caring, rough around the edges,but a softy at heart. Even though I have prayed and asked for forgiveness...yes people brotha-man broke the dry spell!!! The sex was off da hook!!! Literally folks, I felt chains falling off ever time we were intimate. I felt so free around him. Besides all of that, I could feel in my spirit that he was restless, tormented. There was all this confusion that raged inside of him and he really wanted to be free. So, he used his huge appetite for sex and weed to cover up the pain(and a little machoism). But me, being the ever "please let me help you-let me stand by you" chick, I wanted to be there for him even more. Why you ask? I could see his potential and I wasn't about to let this good man waste away and get away. Unfortunately, he didn't feel the same way about me. he gave me the "ducks in a row" speech...blah,blah,blah. I admit,I was messed up for a couple of weeks. having to go cold turkey without him after non-stop communication was hell. Nevertheless, that time apart really opened my eyes. It was so easy for him to walk away. Did I really want to be with someone who could drop me at the turn of a dime? After a month of silence, he came back,but only for sex. And that my friends was all I was to him. I let him know that I meant what I said when I told him that I really cared for him. Just like he made it clear that all he wants is sex right now, I made it clear that I care and want to build a life with him. The trippin' part is that he was the one that said we shouldn't have sex anymore so that we wouldn't end of being angry with one another!!! And he came back for a hit and run!!! THE NERVE!!! Like my mama says "You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear!" I can't make him want me . Why should I continue to pour out my anoionting to treat a man well on someone who doesn't want and wouldn't truly appreciate it? This brotha came into my life at a time whe I needed him most. let's face it, I enjoyed having that male presence in my life. I enjoyed being held and kissed, and yes getting toe-curling, spine-tingling,earth shattering, slap my mam and call the law sex. He just was not my forever. Meeting his family and spending all that time together apparently meant nothing to him. Well, no sense in crying over spilled milk. He had to move in order to make room for the real thing. And even if there is no "real thing", I'm determined to live my life to the fullest and have joy no matter what.

Encouraged to Wait.....

I'm a single woman in a happening city who desires to marry. It's not easy to meet marriage material around here. Sure, you'll meet someone,but is that person worth your time,energy, and emotions? I've tried the whole "matchmaking" thing whether by way of a friend (and judging by the prospects they brought I wonder if they really are my friends) or by way of the new high-tech e-dating. Nothing happened. I've prayed and cried,all of that stuff. When I did meet someone who I had a great connection with,he's filed under "not ready". It hurt me,but that's okay. I don't like half cooked food and I ceratinly don't want a half cooked man!!!

Today, I learned an age old lesson...again. Remember hearing someone say "everything that glittters ain't gold" ? It is so true. A married couple I know is the envy of lots of people...known and unknown to them. They SEEM to have it all,depending on your definition of all. I must admit the material flash caught my eye first. Hey,who doesn't like nice things? Anyway, I found out the hubby has been talking to his ex-girlfriend everyday and whining about his marriage being the biggest mistake of his life. WOW!!! The wind was knocked out of me. I thought how devestated I'd feel to find out that my husband considered our marriage a mistake. I could run him over with a bus, and I feel sorry for her. I know she loves this man,even if it was the flash that got her attention in the first place. Then the Holy Spirit spoke to my spirit so clearly...."this was what you envied? Just rest in Me ,daughter. I know what I'm doing." It was just reinforced what I already knew. God blocked all of those other relationships to save me from greater devastation. Oh sure,if you beg Him enough, He'll give you what you ask for and you'd better be ready to handle all that comes with it. I was able to flash back over all those relationships and see clearly that they were out of line with His Word and His will. Yes, I feel lonely at times and want to be held and kissed, made love to,have someone around to share with and care for. Yet I'd rather deal with a short spell of lonlinessand have peace deep within than to abruptly marry just anybody and deal with a lifetime of disappointment. I pray for that couple and I know that God's will shall be done in that relationship. I've even made the decision to live in fullness everyday whether I marry or not. Man, was it hard laying that dream on the altar! So while I munch on turtle tracks ice cream and play with my dog, I thank God for peace and pray for the strength to hold out.